Struggles With Friendships

Dear Concerned Mother,

I completely understand the pastor’s wife’s struggle in forming and maintaining close friendships. I’ve been a pastor’s wife for twenty-one years, and in that time we’ve lived in eleven different places. Saying good-bye is painful, as is being “stabbed in the back” by those we come to love and trust. Quite frankly, sometimes it seems easier to just be polite and keep our distance. I’ve recently addressed this issue to some extent in two recent blog posts: “Love Hurts” and “Because of His Love”.

At one point in my life I needed a prayer partner. God brought to mind a friend who I’ve only seen twice in 15 years! But we use the internet to share our hearts and lives. Let’s ask God to send you a confidante and friend. And remember, though loneliness hurts, it can push us closer to Christ as we allow Him to meet our needs. It is a reminder we are just passing through and aren’t really home yet. That, however, is a difficult concept for a twelve and fifteen year old to grasp.

Oh, the changes our children go through as they grow toward adulthood! I have a soon to be eighteen year old, soon to be fifteen year old, and an eleven year old. I wish we could sit and chat about those struggles over a cup of hot chocolate! My children have been where yours are, no good Christian friends to encourage, support, and just “hang out” with. And by the way, I am the parent of an often angry teen. Much of that anger stems from our time overseas.

Though we’re still in the middle of some “growing pains”, I have made a few observations I’d like to share:

1. Pray. Of course you know this, but sometimes it helps to hear it again. Pray for godly friends, wisdom, insight into what is causing the anger, and strength to be the parents your child/children need, not want. Recently God impressed upon my heart to pray Psalm 51:10 for my children: “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.” I replace “me” with my child’s name. That is the ultimate answer, having God create a clean heart and a right spirit within our children and ourselves.

2. If you are seeing behavioral changes in your child, check into the possibility he/she is using drugs or has come under some other evil influence such as ungodly music, games, or internet sites. I’m not trying to suggest your child is using drugs, but as parents we must be wise to all Satan’s plots and schemes. He is out looking for people to devour, and our children are easy prey.

3. If drugs aren’t involved, be aware that the road to adulthood brings many changes, physically, emotionally, and psychologically. Some behavior changes are to be expected, and I have found they vary from child to child. But just because they can be expected doesn’t mean you have to tolerate unacceptable behavior.

4. Be there. Be readily accessible to your children. Listen when they ramble on about seemingly insignificant things. Go out, just two of you, to a movie or to eat. Talk to them about your own struggles and how our very best friend is Jesus. Make sure Dad gets one on one time too.

5. Even though you need to “be there”, sometimes those teens just need some space, time to think. Respect that. Be available, but don’t be pushy. If there are some concerns and issues you feel need addressing, do it in love and at a relaxed time, maybe over pizza.

6. Be firm, but loving. Some children feel it is their life’s purpose to see how much they can get by with and how far they can push you. They spend their nights lying awake, scheming ways to forcibly extend the boundaries farther and farther. (Trust, me; I know this. :-)) While they should be allowed more freedom as they grow, they still need rules and structure in order to feel secure. (They will deny this vehemently, but it is true.)

7. Help your children find other activities where they may meet other Christian boys and girls. Be open to the fact that “your” church may not be meeting their needs. Quite frankly, our seventeen year old was struggling at the church where my husband is pastor. We made the difficult decision to allow him to go to a different church where he “fit in” and felt good about his peers.
Let’s take a moment to pray.

Dear Jesus, I want to lift this concerned mother up to You today. Please give her and her husband wisdom in how to raise their children in ways that please You. Show them areas where changes are needed and areas where they need to stand firm. I pray especially for this angry son. Reveal to his mother and father exactly what it is that is making him so angry. Bring it out into the open so it can be dealt with and put behind them. I ask You to bring godly friends into each family member’s life. But until You do, help them know, really know and feel in their hearts, that You are their true best friend. May they look to You and You only to meet all their needs. Grant patience to this mom and dad. Let them be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. (James 1:19) May all their family relationships be respectful, meaningful, deep, and honoring to You. Create in each one a clean heart and a right spirit – Your Spirit.

I pray this in the powerful name of Jesus.
Amen

Mom, don’t forget that this struggle is not with your son, “but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12) Therefore your most powerful weapon is prayer. I highly recommend Power of the Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian as a guide in praying for your children. I have found it insightful, opening my eyes to areas needing prayer cover I’d not considered before. You might also consider adding fasting to your prayers. I’m not an expert in this area, but you can read what I had to say about it in my post “Things I Crave More than Chocolate”.

Please keep us posted. We are praying for insight and victory.
~ Drewe Llyn